Thursday, February 17, 2011

One Year Ago

One year ago my sister passed away from liver and kidney failure. In this past year I have really come to terms with the idea that she is no longer on this Earth, but is happily watching over me and my family from Heaven. Which makes me teary eyed thinking about, yet some how I am at peace with.

I have never been a religious person. Oh, I believe in God and pray everyday, but I have never gone to church or participated in anything Godly or Religion like.
Then all of the sudden, this very month in fact, I met someone. My neighbor down the way and I have kids that are very close in age and we would pass by on our walks, say hi, then that would be it. One morning, there was a knock at my door and she was standing there asking if we wanted to go for a walk.

Now, usually I am very shy at meeting new people, and someone coming up to my door...oh my gosh, pull the blinds!!! But somehow this felt different. Sure we would love to go for a walk, it's a nice day, the kids need some sunshine, it will be great, she's not scary, at least she doesn't look scary..."let's go" I say.
On the way the girls are getting along great, we find out that there are so many similarities in our lives and we have even played Halo with our husbands. How many wives can say that???

We walk and talk, chit chat and laugh, throw rocks in the water with the girls. And then I tell her about my sister.
I am very guarded when I talk about her. I don't want people to pass judgement on my sister and the choices she made in her short life, God knows I did my fair share and I hope my sister can forgive me for that.

I tell my neighbor about the struggle my sister had in the hospital and what brought her to that point. I think only the closest family members know. So it was quite a shock that I was spilling my guarded secrets to a lady I had just met in passing. I just knew she wouldn't pass judgment on my sister or me.

But somehow I felt a huge weight lifted from me. Like I was unloading a ton of bricks, slowly letting go of things I have held onto for a year. I felt relief, at peace...something else, I can't figure out how to put it into words.

I think about my sister and I know that her passing is part of my journey in life. In some way it might make me a better mother, friend, daughter. It makes me grateful for all the things in my life: a loving family, wonderful children (even though they are monsters most of the time), the time I spent with my sister and the memories we made.

I know that that is just a small part of the big picture, but that is what I have discovered for myself in the very few weeks I have had to reflect on the situation.

Like I said before, I was never a religious person, but somehow, that morning changed me. It opened my eyes. There is someone looking out for me. When I needed someone, He brought my neighbor, Kelly, to my door and made me unafraid to open it.

I am blessed. Taking baby steps in the right direction. Meeting new mothers through MOPS, talking about God, listening to a lecture about God, reading some books on religion and Christianity. Getting my feet wet.

I am still a bit of a skeptic though. Still afraid to discuss religion with others (sort of like a secret I have to hide), Still afraid to accept the fact that God is really real, I know for a fact He is out there listening to my prayers. But accepting God in my life wholly is so beyond me right now.

I am still getting my mind around the fact that I prayed and He answered. Took a little longer than expected but it happened.

I just thank God he blessed me with a LOT patience.

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